Pressed my ear to all 5 stall doors to determine if occupant was pooping or typing on their phone. Results: inconclusive. 13 hours ago
Every bathroom stall on 2 floors is full, it is a mass shit event, sewers flood, women scream, children cry. 13 hours ago
Also known as that one summer when I lived with my ex. 14 hours ago
Taking a time out of my suicidal-hate-tweets to say that this is the least I have weighed since that one summer when I threw up every day. 14 hours ago
"Fuck shit fuck cunt shit shit shit fuck cunt shit -uuuaggghh uughhh gaasp uuaghh- shit fuck fuck." - me at the gym all the time 14 hours ago
I'm going to give up on going to the gym. Instead I'll just put all my faith into the Droid Marketplace getting a plastic surgery app. #fb14 hours ago
Hey @Adobe Reader, hey hey, hey there, new update, better install it, new update, click click click, otherwise I'll keep reminding you 16 hours ago
My office smells like Spaghetti-Os sauce and shit. Jealous? 16 hours ago
Lent & Catholic jokes are just too, too easy, so for Lent, I'm abstaining from those. 17 hours ago
Someone call in a nonspecific threat to my gym so I can get out of my appointment with my trainer. #fb17 hours ago
At 1pm, I will go to the gym & meet with a trainer. It will be the last thing I ever do because I do not enjoy working out & also I will die 17 hours ago
Getting tired of explaining to everyone I work with that we have a CMS in place & I can't just redesign a single page for them. 17 hours ago
Call the CSI someone filled my body with blood & I cannot be certain it's all my blood! #fb19 hours ago
Can't wait for all those H-O-T "I gave up RELIGION for Lent!!!" tweets tomorrow. 1 day ago
Loved the card, HP! Hope you had a great Christmas!
Can’t wait for next year’s “choose your own adventure” card
Ughh I need to make a new funny post.