The world’s finest caffeinated marshmallows.
How can you doubt a slogan like that? I don’t think you can even dispute it. Is there another brand of marshmallow available in the world with caffeine in them? Should this even be a market? Probably not, no. However these still exist.
Being a Ghostbusters aficionado, I decided to buy a box of Stay Puft Marshmallows from Think Geek. The box is small, fairly unassuming, but with a bit of a retro vibe. Think Geek’s webpage boasts that each marshmallow is “loaded up with a boost of caffeine.” As a caffeine aficionado, I had to give these bad boys a try.
Two in the Box, Ready to Go
This is not simply a review of Stay Puft Marshmallows; it is also an experiment. I consumed as many marshmallows as I could in one night to see exactly how much of a kick there is.
The first thing I did was check to see how much caffeine it might take to kill me. Originally, Think Geek claimed that each marshmallow contained 100mg of caffeine, which is 10mg more than your average 20oz bottle of soda. However, now the site claims that each marshmallow is “loaded up with a boost of caffeine,” so I’m not sure what the exact amount is. For the purpose of this exercise, I am going to assume that each marshmallow has about 100mg of caffeine in them.
Using only the finest scientific means, I determined that it would take over 120 marshmallows to explode my heart. The second thing I did was recruited my room mate, Tom, to eat marshmallows with me. Being the wild party-maniacs we are, we dedicated a Saturday night to drinking beer and eating Stay Puft Marshmallows. We also live Tweeted our results under the hashtag #staypuft.
Tonight @Sociotom & I are going to be live tweeting as we stuff our face with Stay Puft Caffeinated Marshmallows & maybe go to the hospital. – from my Twitter feed as of 8:00pm
The marshmallows actually resemble ice cubes more than standard marshmallows; they are small rectangles that come in trays that hold 8 ‘mallows. The box holds 24 total. The marshmallows are very soft, coated with a light layer of powdered sugar, so as to prevent them from sticking to your fingers. The texture is pleasant and if the marshmallows were large enough that I may rest my head upon them, I would sleep wonderfully.
They’re so soft and supple, like nipples. – From Tom’s Twitter Feed as of 9:00pm
Tom and I began our experiment at around 8:30, starting with a single Stay Puft Marshmallow each. The texture sits well on the tongue, while the powdered sugar prepares you for the sweetness to come. The taste is a bit sweeter than your average marshmallow.Perhaps it was psychosomatic, but there was a slightly tingling sensation on my tongue after I ate the first ‘mallow. I didn’t notice this beyond the first one.
This feels weird, everything between here (motions to mouth & stomach) – 10:00pm
In hindsight, I wish we had given these a try in the marshmallow’s natural habitat: a warm mug of hot chocolate. Perhaps next time. For now, Tom and I relaxed with a beer and some video games.
We Came, We Saw, We Kicked Its Ass
At around 9:00, I decided to up the ante.
Each Marshmallow has more caffeine that a 20oz soda. Just “stuft” 3 into my frothing gullet. – 9:00pm
Now, according to Think Geek’s original post, that should be 300mg of caffeine – the equivalent of 3.3 20oz bottles of Coca-Cola or 1.9 cans of Monster Energy Drink – consumed in less than 15 seconds. It takes about 15 minutes for caffeine to enter into your system and by 9:30, Tom and I were beginning to feel a little something. Our conversations became rapid and would quickly shift. I found myself beat boxing while trying to focus on a round of Halo 3. Around 10:00, we decided to eat two more marshmallows, bringing the total count up to 6.
Related: @HyphenateMe injured himself on the kitchen floor. - 10:30pm
Between 11pm to 12pm, it was mostly a blur. We were like two big, goofy children who had just gotten their hands on their 1st Pixie Stick. This would be the peak. Every so often, we would grab a marshmallow or two, guaranteeing that we would ride the wave a little longer.
Remember planet Krypton? Yeah that’s what my heart is starting to do. – 11:00pm
At this point, both Tom and myself were beginning to feel a little “nutty.” My hands were tingling, Tom’s feet were falling asleep, we were hearing things that the other did not quite say. It began to seem like there might be something to these marshmallows.
I’m having trouble feeling my toes. – 11:45pm
Back Off, Man, I’m a Scientist
At around midnight, we threw any hope of science completely out the window. Our caffeine buzz was beginning to burn out, I was actually becoming tired.
I think I’m crashing, I just crawled into bed by accident. Time for another caffeinated marshmallow! – 12:45am
That would be the last marshmallow. Figuring that after 11 caffeinated marshmallows, the 12th won’t make that much of a difference in our energy levels, the new goal for the evening was to drink all of the beer in our fridge. This included an old Corona, two Brooklyn Brews, several Sam Adams Honey Porters, and even the two Smirnoff Ices left behind some weeks prior. The Stay Puft experiment had burned out.
I’m eating another marshmallow just to wash the taste of Corona out of my mouth. – 12:00am
We Can Do More Damage That Way
And so we begin the sharp decline.
We are out of marshmallows. I amm [sic] awake, but no longer in the future. The present is lame. – 1:00am
At this point, it becomes just another evening of drinking. There was no added energy. No pep. No dancing, beat boxing, or falling down. Nothing.
this is the problem with putting your hopes in caffeinated marshmallows. – 2:30am
By this point in the evening, Tom and I had just given up on everything and had gone to sit outside on the front steps. 1200mg of caffeine and I was tired. I recall being disappointed by how vacant and quiet our street was at 2am. And so began the blandest moment.
This beer tastes like molasses and hops. I wish Ben Franklin would hang out with me. – 3:30am
I Feel Like the Floor of a Taxi Cab
Stay Puft Marshmallows are certainly a good novelty food item. They feel nice, they have a good flavor, and they are square for s’more convenience. As a marshmallow, they are perfectly acceptable, but I doubt you would want to spend $20 for a box of plain, old marshmallows. As a bonus, Stay Puft is made with kosher gelatin. So, that’s something.
As a caffeine supplement, Stay Puft Marshmallows are like a sparkler. You burn quickly, you burn brightly, and then you burn out. If you have a low (or normal) tolerance to caffeine, they might even give you an extra jolt if you have a s’more or two. However, I was disillusioned with effects. For those of us who frequently utilize soda or energy drinks as a means of getting through the day, these little confections are like trying to start a Hummer with a 9-volt battery. This is a problem for the target consumer: geeks. Geeks love caffeine. They thrive on it. Their tolerances will probably be pretty high, so it’s unlikely these sticky, little cubes will phase them.
If you would like to read the entirety of our back and forth Twitter documentation, head over to Twitter and search for the hashtag #staypuft.